Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
