Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
