is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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