My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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