You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
