he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
