So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
