Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
