i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
