I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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