he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
In America we eat man semen.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
