I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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