seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
