I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
where am i from again
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
