hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I can text with my tongue
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
