I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
