Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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