I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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