apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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