I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
