Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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