Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
