eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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