you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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