I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
