i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Someone shattered a urinal.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
