the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
