hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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