Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
