I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
