i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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