I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He? As in you personified your dick?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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