Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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