i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
