he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
