just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
