I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
