I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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