Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
