HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
