I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
