what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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