Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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