and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
