Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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