I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
