Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't deserve a penis
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
