Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
