I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
