If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
