so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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