I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
