Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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