i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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