if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
