just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
