I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
