Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Randomize
