i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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