Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
